Archive | February, 2012

The Anxious 5 Year Old: Boo-Boos You Can’t Kiss

29 Feb

Forewarning: This post isn’t humorous in the slightest. I am hurt, sad, pissed off, yet–hopeful.

Some of you have messaged me on twitter or commented on here to check on Sugar and her anxiety, so I thought I’d give a quick update. She was diagnosed with anxiety, with possible OCD–but her psychiatrist doesn’t want to pin that on her yet. She started taking Zoloft a few weeks ago, but had a bad reaction to it (bouncing off the walls, hardly sleeping, destroying everything she came in contact with, and laughing in our faces if we tried to talk to her about it or give her consequences–oy!). Monday, she went back to the psychiatrist and was prescribed Prozac. I haven’t figured out what I’m going to do with it yet. Still researching, but may go ahead and give it a shot. Yesterday, she started therapy. She did really well. She talked to the therapist alone for a while and expressed sadness that her friend moved away, excitement about moving back to our home state, and said she loved BBQ chicken! ha! The therapist suggested using 1-2-3 Magic with her, so I ordered that last night. Disciplining her has been a challenge.. one I have not been capable of conquering (see Winning At Discipline!). I am at a loss, especially considering I am battling a bad case of anxiety, as well. I am on edge, worn out, worried, sad for my little girl, and just a mess most days, to be honest.

Yesterday, on the way home from the therapist, Sugar says, “Mommy, I have been praying to the Lord every night that my fears will go away, but they aren’t. Why isn’t the Lord listening?” I said, “He is. Just keep praying.” She wasn’t satisfied. “But I been praying a million and a million and a million of times and He isn’t making them go away. Why not? Can He not hear me?” I don’t even remember my response…I was just trying to reassure her while trying not to cry and thinking, “So have I..”. Honestly, I got angry. I was pissed. Why isn’t He listening? Are we not praying hard enough? Are we not worthy enough to have our prayers heard? Do we not attend church often enough? Is it because I swear too much or drink? Surely, God wouldn’t punish my child for my behaviors, but I don’t get it. I still have faith and I know I shouldn’t question God, but things just keep happening that I don’t understand. I’ve put every ounce of faith I have into praying that she will get better, and nothing is happening. I have believed whole-heartedly that she would be healed by His hands, and nothing is happening. So,again, why isn’t He listening?? She is 5 years old, for crying out loud. She doesn’t doesn’t deserve this. She deserves to be a carefree, innocent child. This is where those “Everything Happens For A Reason” bullshit responses come in. Give me a fucking break..no, actually, give me one good “reason” she should suffer. I’m going to keep praying, but please, don’t tell me that it’s happening for a reason..unless you can give me a good one.

My little Sugarbear is a beautiful, kind, gentle, and loving little girl who worries about EVERYTHING. She also does things she knows she shouldn’t do because, according to her, if she doesn’t, “her neck will hurt”. She tells me that her brain is crazy and she just needs to go to the hospital to get a new one. She cries about her brain. When she does things she isn’t supposed to, it’s obvious that she feels guilty. She cries that she doesn’t understand why she does things and that she doesn’t mean to, she just feels like she HAS to. Her brain tells her she has to do those things, her brain “is stupid”, “is broken”, “is crazy”…and nothing I say can assure her that her brain is just perfect.

I’m struggling with the fact that this isn’t a boo-boo I can kiss, put a band-aid on, give her a big hug, and make it all better. I struggle with the fact that, sometimes, I just get so frustrated that I freak out. That makes me feel tremendously guilty. When your daughter sneaks a tea bag out of the pantry, goes to “potty”, tears the bag open, pours the grounds into a hairspray lid, mixes them with water, then splashes it all over your sand-textured bathroom walls.. well, it is really hard to not freak out! Do you know how hard it is to clean ANYTHING off of sand-textured bathroom walls? I tell you what, that is one painting mistake I will not be making again! Anyway, back to the guilt.. yes, it is hard not to freak out, but the guilt remains. Even her psychiatrist has said that it’s all a part of her “problem” and something we will struggle with until she is medicated.

I don’t want to medicate my baby. I don’t. I flat out asked the psychiatrist if the meds could affect her producing those chemicals (the ones they help regulate) on her own later in life. His answer? “Possibly. We don’t REALLY know, yet. There are a lot of theories on how these medicines even work, so it would be hard to determine how they will affect the brain long-term.” Awesome. Fucking Awesome.

Prior to being prescribed the new medication, we had started gradually cutting casein and gluten out of our diets. Since we haven’t gone cold turkey, I can’t tell if they are really working yet. She has always reacted badly to red dyes in food, so maybe this will help. If only it were easier. The more I try to cut out, the more we crave it. The kids have been begging for mac & cheese for a while now. Hopefully, that will taper off soon and they will get used to the new eating habits. Hopefully, I will too.

I know I am all over the place, but that’s where my emotions are.. all over the place today.

Sorry for being a Debbie-Downer. I have bad days, too.

Love Always, Your Concerned Wife

28 Feb

Last night, Undermedicated Housewife (my crazy side) came out during an argument. It started out as a discussion, but quickly escalated. Discussion to Argument Progression went something like this:

Political Story –> Politics In General –> Rick Sanctimoron –> Birth Control –> Vasectomies –> Undermedicated Housewife

Now, let me give you some back-story (in as few words as possible):

About 5 years and 3.5ish months ago, I was in a hospital bed thinking I was about to die. I was pregnant with my daughter and suffering from severe pre-eclampsia. I was being induced at 34 weeks because my blood pressure was through the roof. I can’t remember exact numbers, but on a scale of Kate Moss to Chris Farley, I was pretty close to a John Candy. Between the magnesium, blood pressure induced migraine, pitocin, and failed epidural…I was in the most severe pain of my life, and that is considering that I have had 2 spinal surgeries, 3 abdominal surgeries, 3 eye surgeries, and a couple of other surgeries. Seriously, I had never felt such pain…until it happened again.

Pregnancy number 2 was a disaster. My chances of having another run-in with pre-e were fairly low, but–you know–I am always one to beat the odds! Around 25-26 weeks (my due date was questionable), I woke up so swollen that I fell down when the swelling prevented my feet from bending enough to stand flat. Four days later, I’m in the hospital about to go back for my urgent cesarean. I had a huge team of doctors at the foot of my bed explaining the risks of the surgery, the risks to my unborn son, and the risks of ever getting pregnant again. After being told that my son only had a 50/50 chance of survival and, if he survived, he would have a 50/50 chance of having CP..my brain went fuzzy. I do, however, remember hearing them tell me that, because of the fact that I had gotten pre-e again–more severe and at an earlier gestation, another pregnancy had a high risk of being even worse..potentially fatal for me and the unborn. They all nodded in agreement at the suggestion of permanent birth control. Because of my blood pressure, staying in longer than necessary in order to tie my tubes was another risk. Hubby agreed to getting a vasectomy, instead.

About 6 months later, we are discussing the vasectomy and Hubby starts backing out. When researching the risks of a vasectomy compared to the risks of tubal ligation, he managed to find a website dedicated to reasons why men should NEVER have a vasectomy. I’m fairly sure he found it on Google search pg 1,247, because everything I found on the first several pages stated that the vasectomy was far, far easier and less risky. After my family, his family, and I continued to urge him to do it, he was finally convinced.

The whole procedure lasted about 10 minutes. I was so grateful that I had a husband who was willing to give up 10 minutes of his life, take on a minimal risk, and live with a tiny scar on the underside of his scrotum..just to prevent any chance of me getting pregnant and, you know, dying.

Now, lets review:

  • Pregnancy and childbirth almost killed me–twice
  • The pre-e also nearly caused the death of our son
  • The pain was the worst I have ever felt, worse than the broken back and hole ripped in my stomach–which I have also experienced
  • I had one child vaginally with no help from an epidural
  • I had one child via major abdominal surgery
  • Future pregnancy will likely kill the unborn and, possibly, me
  • Hubby had an easy, low risk procedure as a method of birth control for us

So, last night, we get on the subject of birth control and vasectomies. Hubby suddenly declares that no man should ever have a vasectomy. Um, WHAT? He goes on to explain that, when we do that thing that used to lead to babies, it HURTS. Bad. This is really confusing news to me. Why does he always WANT to inflict pain on himself, then? Anyway, because of this pain he so often feels, if he could go back, he would have never gotten it done. In comes the outraged Undermedicated Housewife with a response:

You know what else hurts, asshole?!?! DYING!!

I really wasn’t fair, to be honest. I have no idea what dying actually feels like. He suffers from real pain and I should have been more considerate.

To express my regret for acting so psycho over his innocent statement, I wrote him a letter:

Dear Hubby,

I am sorry I freaked out on you last night. You expressed that certain activities caused you pain and I was cold about it. I was selfishly only thinking of myself, the trauma pregnancy causes, and that pesky death risk. Judging by the level of pain you said you feel and the frequency of your requests to inflict such pain upon yourself, you must really love me. Clearly, you are only encouraging these activities for my benefit. That makes me feel really awful. Since you made such a huge sacrifice for me, I am going to do the same for you. I will make it my priority to ENSURE that you never feel that pain again. I just can’t handle having that guilt on my conscious…or vagina.

Love Always,
Your Concerned Wife

First World Problems of a SAHM

26 Feb

First World Problems Of A Stay At Home Mom

  • I woke up 2 hrs before the kids. I wasted quality sleep.
  • I’m out of caffeine.
  • The children expect to be fed at least 3 times a day.

  • I am running late for something, as usual.
  • WHERE IS YOUR OTHER SHOE?!
  • I can’t find the DVR remote. How am I going to do anything if I don’t have SpongeBob on demand to occupy the children?
  • The baby took off her diaper in her crib at nap time. She had pooped.
  • Laundry

  • I just poured the kids’ cereal, only to discover that I’m out of milk.
  • I have to go grocery shopping…with the children.
  • Another toy is clogging the toilet, yet someone pooped in it anyway.
  • I woke up later than the toddlers. They found my craft drawer.
  • Why must I listen to the kids fight over which one gets which color cup?!
  • The baby is poopy. DAMN IT! I’m out of diapers.
  • The parents in McDonald’s play area keep trying to talk to me about their kids.

  • I forgot to lay out dinner.
  • Hubby didn’t take out the trash. It’s full and the trash can is by the road.
  • Someone colored on my couch.
  • My corkscrew is missing.
  • There is nothing interesting to read on the interwebz.

  • I have a stomach virus.
  • The children have a stomach virus.
  • I’m out of wine.
  • The kids finally learned to open the doors on their own.
  • Baby gates are no longer effective.

(These are not necessarily all mine. I compiled the list from other SAHMs, as well.)

Tell me yours and I might add them to the list!

*Disclaimer: I am very well aware that I did not create the “First World Problems” meme. Not claiming to, either. There are a lot of FWP of SAHM posts out there. Just clarifying.

Married With ADHD: The Blame Game & Future Headline News

24 Feb

The Blame Game is super popular around here. Having been diagnosed with a pretty severe case of ADHD and being married to a man who has also been diagnosed, I assume it’s fairly normal.

-Where are my shoes?
-Last time I was wearing them…
-If you don’t help me find them, I’m going to be late!

-Have you seen my keys?
-No, have you seen mine?

-Where did we park?

-Why didn’t you remind me to turn?! Now, we’ve missed our exit and can’t turn around for 2 miles!
-I forgot where we were going! Besides, you didn’t remind me to remind you!

-Can you remind me that I have an appointment tomorrow?
-Sure, if I remember.

-I forgot about my appointment today and can’t be seen again for another two months! Why didn’t you remind me?!
-I forgot, too! It’s not my responsibility to keep up with your appointments!

-Tomorrow night, we cannot get sidetracked and wait until 12 AM to go to bed!

-Hey, you ready for bed?
(hyper-focusing) -Yeah…5 more minutes! I’ve just got to finish this one thing…
-Seriously? It’s 10 PM!
(2 hrs later) -Okay, I’m done. You ready?
-Give me just a minute, I’m reading something..

-I’m going to make a grocery list so we won’t forget what we need..

-Where is the grocery list?
-Fuck! I forgot it!

-When do I get my ring?
-What ring?
-The ring you said you were having set with the emerald you brought home for me from your last deployment…remember? You said you were going to have it set for me almost 2 months ago.
-Oh, umm..you didn’t remind me! You were supposed to remind to do the sweet things I claimed I was going to do for you all on my own!

On top of the forgetfulness and hyper-focusing, organization is a total bust. My husband also has a slight hoarding problem. If it’s free or someone is giving it away for “REALLY CHEAP!”, he brings it home. It doesn’t matter if we need it. Okay, I might have a problem, too. Maybe… but, ANYWAY! Every single one of our closets are packed full. I warn people that they shouldn’t open them, or do so at their own risk. Nine out of ten drawers are junk drawers. At one time, we had an entire room of “Shit that I have no clue where it goes..”. Now, that shit is spread around, randomly. I am just waiting for the day that headline news reads:

    Undomesticated Housewife & Hubby Found Buried Alive Beneath Their Own Clutter

Now, here we are..getting ready to move, and I’m totally lost. I’ll think somewhere like a bathroom is a good place to start packing,  but I quickly get overwhelmed and stop. Kitchen? Maybe.. But what first? Pans? Plates? Medicine cabinet? Sure, lets venture into the medicine cabinet and pack away the non-essentials.

Oh, look, here are Sugar’s crafts from Christmas! I should do something with these…they shouldn’t be packed with the medications..

Realizing I’m off track, I move to the pantry.

Hey! There’s the Tupperware I have been looking for..and brownie mix. Mmmmm, brownies. I should make some…

Screw it. I quit.

‘Never Say Never’, ‘If It’s Meant To Be, It Will Be’, & Other Dumb Shit People Say

22 Feb

Never Say Never

Recently, I found out that an ex-friend slept with another woman’s husband…because she was mad at the other woman. When I found out, I expressed my disgust. She informed me that I shouldn’t judge because I could find myself in the same position one day. I told her I’d never do such a thing, that I had morals, and she should get some, too. Her response? “Never say never.” Are you shitting me? I’m pretty confident when saying that I will never sleep with another woman’s husband out of spite..or at all, for that matter. There are plenty of other things that I can also say “Never!” about. Like what, you ask? (for the sake of the post, yes, you asked) Here is a small portion of the list:

I Will Never…

  • Shave my head, assuming there are no medical reasons for it

  • Pierce my eyebrow (never liked the look of that piercing, honestly)

  • Fly a plane (no depth perception, sadly)

  • Smoke crack

Let's ignore the bad grammar in this poster..

  • Get busy with Gerard Butler

This one makes me sad.

What’s Meant To Be, Will Be

You know what I don’t like about this? I don’t like the fact that it implies that you have no control over outcomes. Sometimes you do not have control and this saying is true, but I often hear it applied to things like troubled marriages or career advancement. Sometimes, you have to work your ass off to make things happen. You can’t sit by idly  in a marriage that desperately needs some work, and just assume that if it’s meant to be, it will work itself out. You can’t go to school and slack off, then claim it just “wasn’t meant to be.” If you want something that you have at least a little bit of control over, TAKE CONTROL. Make it happen! If after you have done ALL you could do, you are free to say that it wasn’t meant to be.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Unfortunately, what goes around, does not always come around. Sometimes, it seems that what goes around gets stuck somewhere. My husband and I have always been very generous whenever we are able. We have recently found that the more you help people out, the more they expect. When you give what you didn’t have to give, people tend to assume that you must have not only had it to give, but also had extra. When you go out of your way to help people out, they sometimes assume that you have time and resources to spare. So, when you find yourself in need, the people you have helped often seem to assume that you aren’t really in need. Maybe this isn’t true for others, but it has been for us recently. I personally know plenty of people who are always being “helped out”, but refuse to help others out when they can. This is not to say that you should never help people out. In fact, I don’t believe you should ever help people out just to get something in return (unless you have a deal). My husband and I will continue to give what we can, when we do have extra to give. We will continue to help others when we have the resources. However, I will no longer entertain the idea that I can possibly turn to those I have helped when I need something even as simple as a baby sitter. We will also no longer feel obligated to help every person we barely know, when doing so will put us in a bind.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

(this is awfully similar to the “What’s meant to be, will be” one, but just go with it, k?)

Not always! There are quite a few things I have been waiting on that STILL. HAVEN’T. COME. We live in a go-getter world, these days! If you want it, you better set out to get it on your own. Also, when you have a husband like mine, if you just silently sit around and wait on things that are supposed to be coming your way, he will forget what you are waiting on and it won’t come.

(if you could see me now, you would see that I look bitter)

 

Common sayings/phrases that make you cringe? Piss you off? Make no sense? Let me know!

Winning At Discipline!

20 Feb

“Some’uh y’all done lost y’all minds,
Some’uh y’all done lost y’all minds,
Some’uh y’all done lost y’all minds,
And it made me cry, cry, cry.”
-Kilo Ali

Kilo wrote this chorus with me and my future children in mind. He was specifically thinking of how this past week would be for us, I’m fairly certain.

Lately, Sugar has been very, how do I put it?..DESTRUCTIVE. Sugar and The Samurai have both been destructive, really. It has gone way past the typical shredding of anything shreddable and disassembling anything with multiple parts. I have cleaned up insane amounts water, paint, whiteout, sugar (of the edible variety), salt, and toothpaste out of the children’s bathroom floor. I have scrubbed toothpaste out of rugs. I have cleaned cereal out of my living room floor. I cleaned glitter glue off of my hardwoods.

Not my kids.

I can’t let my 5 year old go potty alone anymore, nor can I go to bed at night without waking to some sort of unnatural disaster having occurred in one room or another. They either do it instead of pottying, pretend to be sleeping and do it once I’ve fallen asleep, or they wake up ridiculously early and do it before I realize they are up. I am just going to start including my Klonopin in my morning cocktail of drugs I take to function.

20120220-152705.jpg

I am already taking it damn near daily anyway! (Chill out, I have a script) Hell, I took a piece of one half-way through a grocery store run tonight–just to stop myself from parking the buggy containing the kids down an empty aisle..and running. Fast.

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I have tried every form of discipline known to man, short of stringing them in a tree by their toenails. That’s next.

I’ve gone the gentle route..talking. I think I’m doing it wrong. They smile at me the entire me I’m speaking. When I ask why they did whatever it was, they laugh and say something like, “Because my brain is a silly brain and it told me to!” Sometimes, they just say, “POOP!” /sigh

I’ve tried time-out. It isn’t effective for one of two possible reasons: 1.) They don’t care; or 2.) I have ADHD and forget they are in time out 30 seconds after I put them there. It’s probably both.

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I’ve tried “grounding” them from certain things. They haz no caring.

I’ve even done the unspeakable…I spanked. When your kids giggle while you are spanking them, you are doing it wrong. I am doing it wrong.

I give up.

20 Feb

My dear friend QueenoftheCouch’s post has caused quite a stir! Totally worth reading if you have been under a rock and managed to get by without doing so yet.

Views from the Couch

On a somewhat serious note today because of a conversation the other day:

I am sure every girl can recall, at least once as a child,  coming home and telling their parents, uncle, aunt or grandparent about a boy who had pulled her hair, hit her, teased her, pushed her or committed some other playground crime.  I will bet money that most of those, if not all, will tell you that they were told “Oh, that just means he likes you”.  I never really thought much about it before having a daughter of my own.  I find it appalling that this line of bullshit is still being fed to young children.  Look, if you want to tell your child that being verbally and/or physically abused is an acceptable sign of affection, i urge you to rethink your parenting strategy.  If you try and feed MY daughter that crap, you better…

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