Tag Archives: housewife

Bless His Heart

6 Mar

If you are from the south, you know that “Bless your/his/her heart” is usually just a way for Southerners to say something negative about someone without feeling guilty. It’s like saying “no offense” when you say something offensive or a way of saying that you pity someone. For example:

“She is so naive, bless her heart.”

“She’s a homely looking child, bless her heart.”

“He’s a dumbshit, bless his heart.”

In this case, regarding my husband, it means, “It’s your birthday. I pity you because, if you don’t stop being a douchebag, it might be your LAST birthday.”

Because of the fact that I have no means of transportation right now, my plans to go get a cake and a sweet card–went out the window. Instead, I decided to deep clean the worst room in our house: The Bedroom. Listen, y’all, that room seriously gets neglected–I admit it. Whenever we are in the other rooms cleaning, one of us asks, “Hey, where does this go?”, and the other almost always responds, “Hell, I don’t know. Throw it in the bedroom and shut the door!!” It’s the catch-all. We also have a serious problem with coming home from vacation and, rather than unpacking, living out of our suitcase until..well..until we go on vacation again. Don’t judge me!

Anyway, so, I decide to deep clean it. Hubby is always bitching about not being able to find anything and we are always kicking suitcases in the middle of the night, so I thought it would be nice. I worked my ass off. I actually broke a sweat. I know, gross, right? Luckily, I found my super strong muscle relaxers while I was digging through things. I needed those after tackling that mess. My back was, no, is throbbing and I am exhausted. I phone Hubby to see if he wants me to order some Outback Steakhouse to-go. It’s one of his favorites, so I figured it was a win-win for all of us. He says that, no, he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t feel like having to stop to pick it up on the way home on his birthday. I explain that I am about dead and, since he needs help with his resume tonight, it would benefit us all. In comes the bitching…”Well, I don’t feel like stopping. I guess I will just come home and cook by myself on MY BIRTHDAY!” I’m all, “Dude, STFU. I didn’t ask you to come home and cook.” He bitches some more about me “whining” about my back aching (I’ve mentioned my bulging discs and arthritis, right?). I didn’t tell him about the bedroom initially– because I wanted to surprise him. However, at this point..I wanted to go sling shit around everywhere, completely destroying it, then yell, “Surprise, mutha fucka! Happy Birthday!” when he walked in, but decided against it.

Hubby gets home and starts moping around. I run out the door to get cake and come back as quickly as possible. When I return, the kids are telling me about how Daddy said he doesn’t even want cake. The fuck? The kids were so excited about getting him a cake and seeing him be excited. Jerk. Since his mood hadn’t improved and the bedroom door was still shut, I assumed he hadn’t been in there. I walk in the bedroom to put my purse down (I used his car key, by the way..because mine is still missing) and he walks in behind me. Finally! Maybe he will see what I have been doing all day, realize that I wasn’t bullshitting about being exhausted and in pain, and cheer up. He walks through the bedroom and goes into the bathroom without saying a word. I just sat there until he came out, thinking he would be all, “Wow!” on his way out. Nope. Not a single word. He just walked out. Just WALKED OUT.

The rest of the evening didn’t go any better. He continued to mope and wouldn’t eat dinner with us. I had to force him to come sit and let us sing Happy Birthday to him. My eyes had daggers shooting out of them at him. I wanted to yell, “Ever heard the song It’s My Party And I Can Be A Big Bitchy Baby If I Want To?! No? ME EITHER!”

Bless his heart, he might not make it through the night.

‘Never Say Never’, ‘If It’s Meant To Be, It Will Be’, & Other Dumb Shit People Say

22 Feb

Never Say Never

Recently, I found out that an ex-friend slept with another woman’s husband…because she was mad at the other woman. When I found out, I expressed my disgust. She informed me that I shouldn’t judge because I could find myself in the same position one day. I told her I’d never do such a thing, that I had morals, and she should get some, too. Her response? “Never say never.” Are you shitting me? I’m pretty confident when saying that I will never sleep with another woman’s husband out of spite..or at all, for that matter. There are plenty of other things that I can also say “Never!” about. Like what, you ask? (for the sake of the post, yes, you asked) Here is a small portion of the list:

I Will Never…

  • Shave my head, assuming there are no medical reasons for it

  • Pierce my eyebrow (never liked the look of that piercing, honestly)

  • Fly a plane (no depth perception, sadly)

  • Smoke crack

Let's ignore the bad grammar in this poster..

  • Get busy with Gerard Butler

This one makes me sad.

What’s Meant To Be, Will Be

You know what I don’t like about this? I don’t like the fact that it implies that you have no control over outcomes. Sometimes you do not have control and this saying is true, but I often hear it applied to things like troubled marriages or career advancement. Sometimes, you have to work your ass off to make things happen. You can’t sit by idly¬† in a marriage that desperately needs some work, and just assume that if it’s meant to be, it will work itself out. You can’t go to school and slack off, then claim it just “wasn’t meant to be.” If you want something that you have at least a little bit of control over, TAKE CONTROL. Make it happen! If after you have done ALL you could do, you are free to say that it wasn’t meant to be.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Unfortunately, what goes around, does not always come around. Sometimes, it seems that what goes around gets stuck somewhere. My husband and I have always been very generous whenever we are able. We have recently found that the more you help people out, the more they expect. When you give what you didn’t have to give, people tend to assume that you must have not only had it to give, but also had extra. When you go out of your way to help people out, they sometimes assume that you have time and resources to spare. So, when you find yourself in need, the people you have helped often seem to assume that you aren’t really in need. Maybe this isn’t true for others, but it has been for us recently. I personally know plenty of people who are always being “helped out”, but refuse to help others out when they can. This is not to say that you should never help people out. In fact, I don’t believe you should ever help people out just to get something in return (unless you have a deal). My husband and I will continue to give what we can, when we do have extra to give. We will continue to help others when we have the resources. However, I will no longer entertain the idea that I can possibly turn to those I have helped when I need something even as simple as a baby sitter. We will also no longer feel obligated to help every person we barely know, when doing so will put us in a bind.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

(this is awfully similar to the “What’s meant to be, will be” one, but just go with it, k?)

Not always! There are quite a few things I have been waiting on that STILL. HAVEN’T. COME. We live in a go-getter world, these days! If you want it, you better set out to get it on your own. Also, when you have a husband like mine, if you just silently sit around and wait on things that are supposed to be coming your way, he will forget what you are waiting on and it won’t come.

(if you could see me now, you would see that I look bitter)


Common sayings/phrases that make you cringe? Piss you off? Make no sense? Let me know!

Winning At Discipline!

20 Feb

“Some’uh y’all done lost y’all minds,
Some’uh y’all done lost y’all minds,
Some’uh y’all done lost y’all minds,
And it made me cry, cry, cry.”
-Kilo Ali

Kilo wrote this chorus with me and my future children in mind. He was specifically thinking of how this past week would be for us, I’m fairly certain.

Lately, Sugar has been very, how do I put it?..DESTRUCTIVE. Sugar and The Samurai have both been destructive, really. It has gone way past the typical shredding of anything shreddable and disassembling anything with multiple parts. I have cleaned up insane amounts water, paint, whiteout, sugar (of the edible variety), salt, and toothpaste out of the children’s bathroom floor. I have scrubbed toothpaste out of rugs. I have cleaned cereal out of my living room floor. I cleaned glitter glue off of my hardwoods.

Not my kids.

I can’t let my 5 year old go potty alone anymore, nor can I go to bed at night without waking to some sort of unnatural disaster having occurred in one room or another. They either do it instead of pottying, pretend to be sleeping and do it once I’ve fallen asleep, or they wake up ridiculously early and do it before I realize they are up. I am just going to start including my Klonopin in my morning cocktail of drugs I take to function.


I am already taking it damn near daily anyway! (Chill out, I have a script) Hell, I took a piece of one half-way through a grocery store run tonight–just to stop myself from parking the buggy containing the kids down an empty aisle..and running. Fast.

I have tried every form of discipline known to man, short of stringing them in a tree by their toenails. That’s next.

I’ve gone the gentle route..talking. I think I’m doing it wrong. They smile at me the entire me I’m speaking. When I ask why they did whatever it was, they laugh and say something like, “Because my brain is a silly brain and it told me to!” Sometimes, they just say, “POOP!” /sigh

I’ve tried time-out. It isn’t effective for one of two possible reasons: 1.) They don’t care; or 2.) I have ADHD and forget they are in time out 30 seconds after I put them there. It’s probably both.

I’ve tried “grounding” them from certain things. They haz no caring.

I’ve even done the unspeakable…I spanked. When your kids giggle while you are spanking them, you are doing it wrong. I am doing it wrong.

I give up.

%d bloggers like this: