Archive | August, 2011

My kid ain’t no dang dog!!

31 Aug

When it comes to parenting, there are quite a few hot button issues. One of those issues is…are you ready for this?? HARNESSES. I have read a million and one of these debates and always end up mentally giving 75% of participants the Are You Really That Stupid?? look. Still, I have learned a LOT from these debates and I’m here to share it with you, bulletin style. Your welcome.

  • Harnessing or leashing your child is treating your child like a dog. You know.. with care, love, and respect. It’s disgusting. People leash their dogs to give them freedom to walk while also keeping them safe and in a controlled environment. Children don’t need any of that. Strap them down to a chair with wheels, it’s clearly more humane.
  • Parents that harness are terrible, sick people. They have no regard for image and only concern themselves with petty things, like safety. Wussies. If they had a single shred of self-respect for their child, they would remove the harness and allow the child to look like a decent human being. Seriously, there are more things to worry about than cars and kidnappers.
  • Not only are these people not concerned at all with image, they also have no concern for discipline. If your child doesn’t walk beside you like a perfect angel or if he/she likes to slip his/her slippery, sweaty hand out of yours, you aren’t doing your job. You can TEACH them to stay beside you or to hold your hand at all times a few different ways: 
    1. LEAVE. It doesn’t matter how much you paid for those Disney World tickets or how much it will suck to walk all the way back to the car when you were only a minute from where you were going, when they disobey and pull away or walk away–you LEAVE. The whole family should suffer until your little devil learns his lesson.
    2. BEAT SOME ASS. ‘Nuff said. 
    3. Natural consequences. This works for SO much and I use it for almost everything. Have I ever told you all about the time The Samurai electrocuted himself? He doesn’t play with the outlets anymore!! (Put the phone down, it was really just an accident.. don’t call CPS!) You know what else natural consequences works for? Running into the road. Kid runs into the road, kid gets hit, kid won’t run into the road again. I promise. Works for kidnapping, too. Ever heard of a kid being kidnapped twice? I haven’t. 

  •  Most other safety devices are approved by most parents. This can be confusing. Cribs look like baby cages with the bars and all that, but they are fine. Same with playpens. Obviously, treating your child like a pet is fine..just not a pet dog. Strollers? Again, restraining your kid like a criminal or mentally unstable patient by strapping him to a chair with wheels is totally cool. Baby gates are fine, too. Pretty much anything and everything that allows your child to safely explore his or her surroundings is AWESOME, except leashes/harnesses.


Moral of the story: I do not care if your harness looks like this..

unless you want to be one of those disgusting, safety-only concerned sissies, Do. NOT. Harness. Your. Child.
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Not now, Mommy is hungover..

30 Aug

I never actually said it, but I felt like saying it. I don’t know what happened to me when I popped the kids out, but something definitely happened to my tolerance. Mama can’t hang!

Saturday night, we went to a little girl’s birthday party across the street. It was a byob, so..we did. If you are wondering why there was alcohol at a child’s party, well..you have obviously not been to enough children’s parties. I drank my beer and had a great time laughing and cutting up. Everything was going great! I wasn’t even feeling all that buzzed and was proud of myself for holding my alcohol so well.

For some reason, after the children were sound asleep, the neighbor and I decided to start taking shots of vodka. My husband was there and sober enough to care for children should they need to be taken care of (he just likes to get me drunk & take advantage of me later)..no worries. Three shots later, I’m on the swing passing out! I’m practically drooling on myself as the neighbor and my husband just sit and chat it up! I remember hearing them, but not being able to respond. Amazingly, 45 minutes later, I wake up perfectly fine..like nothing ever happened! I was still buzzed, but fine.

I partied the rest of the night away and then…I. Woke. Up. Holy headache. The nausea, the spinning, the jittery feeling I just can’t shake…it was all too much when 8 am crept around and little feet started pitter pattering through the kitchen and into my room. Shoot me. This is no good. What was I thinking?? Vodka?!? Why can’t the kids feed themselves? Why is the room spinning? Why are they so whiney today? Please stop fighting! Please let go of me for just a second, I’m already spinning. Stop touching your sister! Oh, come on! I just fed you! You need a drink, TOO?!? Pleeaasseee! Oh my GOD, what have I done?? I am only 25! Not 45! What HAPPENED to me? Get out of the bathroom before I puke on you!!

To top off my morning, my neighbor sends me a text to ask how I’m feeling. I respond, letting her know that I feel like SHIT. She tells me that SHE has already been up, out of the house, and even exercised. I can’t repeat my response. It was (half-jokingly) ugly.

Turning scented candles into wax tarts/wax melts…

29 Aug
My blog really has no single specific focus anymore, so just thought I’d share what I’ve been doing lately: Turning my old, broken candles..or just candles that smell good and would smell better in a wax warmer..into wax tarts. Sorry, I have nothing funny or witty to share tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be a more humorous day.. we’ll see.
Things you need: Candle with wick removed, clean soup can, mini muffin pan, pot with about 1.5-2inches of water–boiling. 

Place candle inside of cleaned can. Also, after placing inside, pinch the sides of the can lip to make a spout.

 Place can in the boiling water. DO NOT LEAVE UNATTENDED. Depending on the amount of water in the can, it may move around in the pot.

Once wax is melted, pour into the mini muffin pan. How much you fill it up should depend on how much you wax warmer will hold.
If you are impatient like I am and want your wax to easily come out of the pan, place the pan in the freezer. Allow wax to completely harden in freezer.
Once the wax is completely hardened, turn muffin pan over onto flat surface.
I couldnt get a good picture of this step, but to easily remove the wax, strike the back of each mold with.. something. I used a pair of pliers I had nearby.
This is what you should get..perfect little wax tarts!

 Label a ziplock baggy to store them in. These are the Orange Clove tarts I just finished and some Blueberry Cobbler tarts that I made yesterday. One of my favorite Blueberry Cobbler candles had broken, and that is what inspired me to make these!

Place your wax tart in warmer and ENJOY! 
Your welcome. 
I originally found these directions here:
I just used scented candles, obviously.

Big boys don’t pee in their pants.

19 Aug

I picked Sugar up from school yesterday and, on the drive home, we have this conversation:

 Sugar: (read in a valley girl voice) “Ew. Ew. Ew. Boyfriends are gross. I don’t ever want a boyfriend. Disgusting. Ew.”

Me: Why do you say that? What happened today?

Sugar: (valley girl voice again, I have no idea where she got that from) “A little boy wants to be my boyfriend. Boyfriends are disgusting. They are sooo gross.” (I later find out that he asked to be her boyfriend forever)

Me: “What did he look like?” (hoping to be able to pick him out of her classmates so I know which little asshole is trying to pick up my baby)

Sugar: “I already told you. He looks like a little boy. I don’t like little boys. I like big boys. Big boys don’t pee in their pants.”

Well, can’t argue with that!

Exercise is killing me.

19 Aug

Exercise makes me sore. Why would I want to do anything that makes me sore? I like for my muscles to feel nice and relaxed. I’m a good host. It’s just who I am.

Exercise makes my heart race. When I go to the doctor, he is usually a little concerned when he checks my pulse and finds that my heart is racing. It must not be a good thing.

Exercise makes it hard for me to breathe. Do I need to explain why that is bad? You can’t breathe, you DIE.

Exercise isn’t great for my back. I can’t do much bending, no twisting, and no lifting heavy shit. My only option I can come up with is some non-twisting dancing. I have no rhythm and have videos to prove it…or just ask Queen of the Couch. It’s not good.

Exercise doesn’t give me energy like people claim it will. It sucks my energy levels dry. I need my energy. How else will I care for my kids.

Exercise makes me feel like I’m dying. That can’t be good.

I’ll come up with more convincing excuses later. Until then, I guess I’ll have to get back to doing Zumba.

New Favorite Apron!!

17 Aug

My newest, favorite apron!!

My Favorite Kitchen Utensil: (picture of corkscrew)

Busy Bitches Cookbook aka Lazy Bitches Cookbook: A Banana Heart Attack

17 Aug

This is for neither the busy, nor the lazy. But, whatevs. It would just be filed under “Shit That Doesn’t Belong In This Recipe Book”…if it were a book.
Not sure if it’s a pie or a pudding, but it’s definitely a heart attack waiting to happen. It’s so worth it. I whipped this up when I wanted banana pudding, but couldn’t find my vanilla flavoring or condensed milk. I just had to wing it. Oh. My. Gawd. Turned out phenom.

Ingredients:

  • 1 5oz package of vanilla pudding
  • 1 8oz package of cream cheese (softened)
  • 1 cup of milk
  • 1 cup of vanilla ice cream (slightly softened)
  • 1/2 cup of heavy cream (see what I mean about the heart attack, now?)
  • 2 Bananas
  • Nilla Wafers
  • Nilla wafer pie crust (optional, can just use wafers to make it more pudding-like)
  • Thawed Cool-whip


Combine first ingredients, beat until well blended
Line bottom of pie crust with banana slices OR line bottom of dish with crushed or whole Nilla wafers, then top wafers with banana slices.
Pour half of the “stuff” you just mixed up on top.
Spread it out, duh.
Top with more Nilla wafers and banana slices

Pour remainder of the pudding on top and spread out. You can top with Nilla wafers and banana slices again if you’d like. I didn’t have any room!

Cover with Cool-Whip
Top with crushed Nilla wafers (I like those bitches)
It’s going to be really thick if you use a pie crust, so you will have to rig up the lid with aluminum foil..

Set the lid on top, wrap bottom and sides with aluminum foil to cover the sides of the lid and pie. Refrigerate until ready to eat.. or grab a frickin spoon and dig on in.

EFF’ing De-licious.

Try it and let me know how you like it.. if you survive the heart attack.

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