Archive | May, 2012

Cue Panic, Chaos, Confusion

31 May

Last I noticed, the kids were holding hands and dancing in the kitchen, directly in front of my open door. Unbeknownst to me, while I was Facebooking, the son acquired a screwdriver (Stop it. I know you are judging me. Stop.). Next thing I know, son runs toward something and stabs it. After a loud popping sound, Sugar screams, “You stabbed a hole in it!!” I see a cloud of something that looks like smoke…maybe aerosol something or other being sprayed. I jump up and run towards the cloud, screaming, “Get away from it! GET AWAAAYYY FROM ITTTT!!!! “…I don’t know what, exactly, I think is about to happen. Surely, it’s going to explode or something. The kids are inhaling toxic fumes of a substance not-yet identified!! It’s probably blinding them right now! Oh, GOD! It’s going to EXXXPPLLOOODDDEEE! RUN!!!!


So, as I approach the exploding aerosol can of toxic substance, I nearly bust my ass and get sprayed in the face by this stuff! I’m going to be blind, too! We’re all going to be BLIIINNNDD! I finally see the bottle of the deadly, blinding gas…

 

 

 

 


/areyoukiddingme

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


It’s sprite.
/dead

Advertisements

“The Look”–I Have More Than One

31 May

I am a woman of many talents. Communicating With A Look/Glare is one of them.

The Mom Look:

My kids know The Mom Look. When they are doing something they aren’t supposed to, I give them The Mom Look and they stop. I don’t use this nearly enough. I forget how effective it is until I use it and realize that I have just accomplished everything I needed to, but without the yelling or threats of stringing my little angels up in a tree by their toenails.

The “Stop Talking Before You Say Something You Can’t Take Back” Look:


My husband ought to know this look fairly well. It’s pretty self-explanatory. Hubby sometimes starts down a long, dark road of well-meaning criticism (he thinks he is “helping me”) that usually just comes out sounding like insult after insult. This look usually informs him that I am not pleased with him and he is not being helpful.

The “Are You That F’ing Stupid?!” Look:

Often given to people in public places, this is an obvious, exaggerated look. I have tried to hide my expression, on occasion, to keep from offending anyone…but I am not very good at it. I’ve caught a glimpse of myself giving the look to a woman in a bathroom and realized then that there was no mistaking it–she knew exactly what my face was asking, “Are you that f’ing stupid?” She brought her male child into the women’s restroom and ripped his pants down in front of me and my children, so she could practically BEAT his bare bottom. I won’t get into a spanking debate, but come on. Take it to the stall, at least. Humiliation is a terrible form of punishment.

The “If Looks Could Kill” Look:


My husband has seen it a few times. Honestly, it’s a good thing looks CANNOT kill, because I have given it to quite a few people, whom I really do love dearly. Most recently, 2 strangers got to see it. The first: A man at Target, allowing his child to spank and yell at his toddler, as if the child were the parent. I gave him the look, combined with the Are You That F’ing Stupid look.. at close range. I just stopped, stood there, and glared until he was fully aware my glaring and decided to take his cart and walk away.

The second man: A man in Flash Foods.. Hubby sometimes brings home scratch off tickets. We usually keep the winning tickets until we need the money. Recently, I went out of town to visit my family. On my way out, I decided to cash in the tickets for gas and vacation money. It was only $125 worth of them, but still.. So, I hand the cashier the tickets, he scans them, and THEN informs me that he will only be able to give me $50 in cash, the rest will have to go on a money order. Um, no thanks, give me the tickets back and I’ll take them elsewhere. He can’t.. he has already scanned them in and they are no longer valid. Excuse me? Shouldn’t I have been informed that the policy at this particular store was $50 cash only? The cashier is new, he didn’t know. “Well, that isn’t my fault. I should have been informed. I don’t have a physical bank to use to cash a money order, I have USAA..” The manager? “Well, it’s not MY fault that you decided to come here to cash them.” Death glare x200. I also caused a huge scene and had there been children present (there were not), they would have probably been scarred after hearing the things that came out of my mouth. It wasn’t pretty.

I also have the “I’m Completely Uninterested In What You Are Saying” Look, the “Don’t Even Think About It” Look, and the “PLEASE, For Me?” Look.

The Drunken Hooker

4 May

So, I just changed my shop name on a whim. All previous links will work for 30 days, but my new shop name is: TheDrunkenHooker

 

Just thought you should all know!

Need to move some stuff! I’m BRIBING again!

3 May

I have an abundance of Crochet.Rock.It items that are already made and ready to move, and although I’m working on 2 different orders RIGHT NOW, I have the next week to work steadily on more (will be at parent’s with sitters! Woot!). So, I’m bribing you all with another coupon code:

UNDOMHOUSEWIFE10

Use it to get 10% off your order when checking out on http://www.etsy.com/shop/CrochetRockIt (opens in new tab) .

Accept it. I am awesome and you want to buy something from me, right? RIGHT?! Let me show you a few of my most recent additions to the store:

Ruffled Bottom Rainbow Bright Diaper Cover

Adjustable Ruffled Bottom Diaper Cover with Removable Flower

Minnie Mouse Bottomless Baby/Toddler Sandals

Crocheted Suede Cord Headband with Removable Rose (can be used solo as hair clip) for Adults

Crocheted Neapolitan Rose Hair Clips

Crocheted Suede Cord and Big Red Rose (not removable) Headband

Plus, there is more, so go check it out and help me move it! If you don’t find anything you want, pass along the coupon code (UNDOMHOUSEWIFE10) and link ( http://www.etsy.com/shop/CrochetRockIt ) to someone you think will! Don’t forget, I love custom orders!

HELP A BROKE BITCH OUT!

That is all. I will return soon with “Shit Husbands Do That Drives Us Crazy”. Be on the lookout!

PS,

I got a new Hair Did.

%d bloggers like this: