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Household Cleaning and Organizing Done Right

14 Dec

People ask me all the time,

“L, what are your best house cleaning tips?”

Just kidding. No one asks me that. Ever. But I have the best kept house cleaning/organizing secrets ever. I’m going to share them with you today!

First, ask yourself, “Who makes the most messes around here? Husband or kids?” There are very different guidelines for each.

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If you answered “kids”:

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This one is more difficult than dealing with a hoarding, messy husband, but there are more options.

*You can try chore charts to teach responsibility. Have your kids put each toy or activity away before they are allowed to get out something else, clear their own plates, make their own beds..shit like that.

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*Allowances work wonders. Reward the good behavior.

*Confine them to one small area of the house, preferably near a bathroom. Less area to clean & you have the rest of the house to yourself.

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*Last, if all other options fail, check out your state’s Safe Haven Law. I think there are usually age limits, but I’m pretty sure those are just a suggestion. You will need to first convince your children that your full name is Mommy McMommerson. Tell them you are going to visit the firetrucks! It will be fun!

If you answered “husband”:

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This one is so easy! I like to call it The D.I.V.O.R.C.E Method.

*D is for, well, Divorce.
*I is for dIvorce.
*V is for diVorce.
*O is for divOrce.
*R is for divoRce.
*C is for divorCe.
*E is for divorcE.

I don’t know why this isn’t more widely known as an effective method. It makes such a HUGE difference. You know that saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”? Likewise, you can’t teach an old bastard to stop being a fucking pig.

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I was an amazing housewife, truth be told. I clean a little, cook a little, and copulate a lot. I will not, however, be your mama. Put your dirty laundry in the laundry basket. Put your dirty dishes in the sink. Remember that thing you empty once a week, only because I killed you twice with my death glare when it overflowed? It’s called a trashcan. Put your damn trash in it.

Booooooom! Clean house.

*Disclaimer: Calm your tits. I do not actually advocate dropping your kids off at the fire station unless it’s necessary for their safety. The rest of this post is spot on. Trust me.

Cue Panic, Chaos, Confusion

31 May

Last I noticed, the kids were holding hands and dancing in the kitchen, directly in front of my open door. Unbeknownst to me, while I was Facebooking, the son acquired a screwdriver (Stop it. I know you are judging me. Stop.). Next thing I know, son runs toward something and stabs it. After a loud popping sound, Sugar screams, “You stabbed a hole in it!!” I see a cloud of something that looks like smoke…maybe aerosol something or other being sprayed. I jump up and run towards the cloud, screaming, “Get away from it! GET AWAAAYYY FROM ITTTT!!!! “…I don’t know what, exactly, I think is about to happen. Surely, it’s going to explode or something. The kids are inhaling toxic fumes of a substance not-yet identified!! It’s probably blinding them right now! Oh, GOD! It’s going to EXXXPPLLOOODDDEEE! RUN!!!!


So, as I approach the exploding aerosol can of toxic substance, I nearly bust my ass and get sprayed in the face by this stuff! I’m going to be blind, too! We’re all going to be BLIIINNNDD! I finally see the bottle of the deadly, blinding gas…

 

 

 

 


/areyoukiddingme

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


It’s sprite.
/dead

“The Look”–I Have More Than One

31 May

I am a woman of many talents. Communicating With A Look/Glare is one of them.

The Mom Look:

My kids know The Mom Look. When they are doing something they aren’t supposed to, I give them The Mom Look and they stop. I don’t use this nearly enough. I forget how effective it is until I use it and realize that I have just accomplished everything I needed to, but without the yelling or threats of stringing my little angels up in a tree by their toenails.

The “Stop Talking Before You Say Something You Can’t Take Back” Look:


My husband ought to know this look fairly well. It’s pretty self-explanatory. Hubby sometimes starts down a long, dark road of well-meaning criticism (he thinks he is “helping me”) that usually just comes out sounding like insult after insult. This look usually informs him that I am not pleased with him and he is not being helpful.

The “Are You That F’ing Stupid?!” Look:

Often given to people in public places, this is an obvious, exaggerated look. I have tried to hide my expression, on occasion, to keep from offending anyone…but I am not very good at it. I’ve caught a glimpse of myself giving the look to a woman in a bathroom and realized then that there was no mistaking it–she knew exactly what my face was asking, “Are you that f’ing stupid?” She brought her male child into the women’s restroom and ripped his pants down in front of me and my children, so she could practically BEAT his bare bottom. I won’t get into a spanking debate, but come on. Take it to the stall, at least. Humiliation is a terrible form of punishment.

The “If Looks Could Kill” Look:


My husband has seen it a few times. Honestly, it’s a good thing looks CANNOT kill, because I have given it to quite a few people, whom I really do love dearly. Most recently, 2 strangers got to see it. The first: A man at Target, allowing his child to spank and yell at his toddler, as if the child were the parent. I gave him the look, combined with the Are You That F’ing Stupid look.. at close range. I just stopped, stood there, and glared until he was fully aware my glaring and decided to take his cart and walk away.

The second man: A man in Flash Foods.. Hubby sometimes brings home scratch off tickets. We usually keep the winning tickets until we need the money. Recently, I went out of town to visit my family. On my way out, I decided to cash in the tickets for gas and vacation money. It was only $125 worth of them, but still.. So, I hand the cashier the tickets, he scans them, and THEN informs me that he will only be able to give me $50 in cash, the rest will have to go on a money order. Um, no thanks, give me the tickets back and I’ll take them elsewhere. He can’t.. he has already scanned them in and they are no longer valid. Excuse me? Shouldn’t I have been informed that the policy at this particular store was $50 cash only? The cashier is new, he didn’t know. “Well, that isn’t my fault. I should have been informed. I don’t have a physical bank to use to cash a money order, I have USAA..” The manager? “Well, it’s not MY fault that you decided to come here to cash them.” Death glare x200. I also caused a huge scene and had there been children present (there were not), they would have probably been scarred after hearing the things that came out of my mouth. It wasn’t pretty.

I also have the “I’m Completely Uninterested In What You Are Saying” Look, the “Don’t Even Think About It” Look, and the “PLEASE, For Me?” Look.

The Drunken Hooker

4 May

So, I just changed my shop name on a whim. All previous links will work for 30 days, but my new shop name is: TheDrunkenHooker

 

Just thought you should all know!

A little sum’n, sum’n for my peeps..plus an extra special something–an ADORABLE PICTURE OF MY NEPHEW!

8 Apr

How about some free shipping at Crochet.Rock.It ? For the next week (until next Sunday), you can use the code FREESHIP1 to get free shipping on your orders! Will that get anyone pumped enough to go buy some shit? Surely you know SOME little girl in need of something adorable?! Besides, if you check back later this week.. I am almost positive that I will have something available for baby boys.. I DO have an ADORABLE nephew, and he badly needs Auntie to crochet something for him. For realz.  Look at him.

He is the cutest thing, right? Well, I have to make him something, so moms of boys, be watching the shop (If I don’t get something boyish in there by Sunday, I’ll extend the coupon)! By the way, this sweet little wanna.eat.him.up munchkin  is going to be a big brother in November and I cannot wait! CROCHETED BABY EVERYTHING! It’s going to be a little Leela (or some other spelling of that name), I’m sure (she isn’t actually far enough along for us to know what it will be yet. Just trying to convince my sister that she should go with that name. Sugar picked it last time Sis#1 was pregnant, it has some sort of family significance on the dad’s side of the family, AND I can already imagine naming an entire line of crocheted baby girl somethings after her. IF it is another nephew, I will-OF COURSE-be just as freaking thrilled! I am just glad SOMEONE is continuing to have babies so I don’t have to hopelessly long for one. That little guy up there just melts me. I can’t stop smiling when he giggles or grins at me. Of course, my own children melt me still.. but there is nothing like those first baby belly laughs and toothless smiles! /sigh.

Anyway, go buy some shit. FREESHIP1 @ Crochet.Rock.It

OH! AND! Here is a preview of some of the things you can get in my store right now..

Sugar’s Beachies..

7 Apr

I am working on a separate blog for this stuff, but until then.. aren’t they adorable? I had to free write the pattern, so it took me a while to get them right, but I think I finally got it!  I’ve also got them listed for $18 in my store!  I am currently working on a black pair with hot-pink rose!

Baby Beachies! CrochetRockIt

5 Apr


Check out my baby toe-thongs in my new store at Etsy.com: CrochetRockIt!

They fit like this:

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