Archive | cooking RSS feed for this section

Young Love: Confessions Of A Broken Housewife

19 Dec

We’ve all been there..young and in love. We think, “This is it. This is going to last FOREVER.” We are so ready to grow up and start a family. I’m here to tell you, it’s not that glamorous. Also, it doesn’t always last forever. I wouldn’t trade my kids for the world, but if I could go back and have them later in life, I would. They would more than deserve it.

When I was 16, I met The Ex. He was The BFF’s boyfriend. We all went out to shop one day and, when we returned,  The BFF decided he was too shy for her. I told her he was nice and she should give him a shot. She promptly handed over his number and said, “If you like him, then YOU CALL HIM!” When he called her later, she handed me the phone. We became good friends. Right before my 17th birthday, he became my boyfriend. I will never forgive The BFF for that. (just kidding)

Our rocky, on/off high school relationship ended for a good 4 months right before graduation. I graduated and moved to Baton Rouge with a good friend for about a month, moved back, started nursing school, and was working full time at a dry cleaning place. I eventually reunited with The Ex, moved in, and decided I was in love. “This is it. This is going to last FOREVER.” Before I knew it, I was 20 years old, pregnant, unemployed, and had long quit nursing school.

Now, I’m 26, going through a dirty divorce, 2 kids, unemployed, and no degree to fall back on.

My advice?
*Stay in school. Finish college.
*Find a good job. Keep it.
*Birth Control. Children are wonderful. Have them later.
*DEPEND ON NO ONE BUT YOURSELF. The longer you wait to do it, the harder it gets.

As it turns out, Domestic Goddess doesn’t really have a spot on resumes.

And when you meet that guy that thinks you are beautiful with no makeup on, pushes your hair back out of your face so he can look you in the eyes, kisses your forehead, sends you “Good morning, beautiful.” texts, and does all the other things facebook quotes tell you guys should do, do me a favor:

Look deeply into his eyes, smile..then punch him in that pretty face and yell, “LIES!” Then go do your homework.

Household Cleaning and Organizing Done Right

14 Dec

People ask me all the time,

“L, what are your best house cleaning tips?”

Just kidding. No one asks me that. Ever. But I have the best kept house cleaning/organizing secrets ever. I’m going to share them with you today!

First, ask yourself, “Who makes the most messes around here? Husband or kids?” There are very different guidelines for each.

image

If you answered “kids”:

image

This one is more difficult than dealing with a hoarding, messy husband, but there are more options.

*You can try chore charts to teach responsibility. Have your kids put each toy or activity away before they are allowed to get out something else, clear their own plates, make their own beds..shit like that.

image

*Allowances work wonders. Reward the good behavior.

*Confine them to one small area of the house, preferably near a bathroom. Less area to clean & you have the rest of the house to yourself.

image

*Last, if all other options fail, check out your state’s Safe Haven Law. I think there are usually age limits, but I’m pretty sure those are just a suggestion. You will need to first convince your children that your full name is Mommy McMommerson. Tell them you are going to visit the firetrucks! It will be fun!

If you answered “husband”:

image

This one is so easy! I like to call it The D.I.V.O.R.C.E Method.

*D is for, well, Divorce.
*I is for dIvorce.
*V is for diVorce.
*O is for divOrce.
*R is for divoRce.
*C is for divorCe.
*E is for divorcE.

I don’t know why this isn’t more widely known as an effective method. It makes such a HUGE difference. You know that saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”? Likewise, you can’t teach an old bastard to stop being a fucking pig.

image

I was an amazing housewife, truth be told. I clean a little, cook a little, and copulate a lot. I will not, however, be your mama. Put your dirty laundry in the laundry basket. Put your dirty dishes in the sink. Remember that thing you empty once a week, only because I killed you twice with my death glare when it overflowed? It’s called a trashcan. Put your damn trash in it.

Booooooom! Clean house.

*Disclaimer: Calm your tits. I do not actually advocate dropping your kids off at the fire station unless it’s necessary for their safety. The rest of this post is spot on. Trust me.

Bottle of Wine: $19.99, Cheesecake: $8.49, Fifteen Minutes of Silence: PRICELESS

8 Mar

I love my family. I really, really do. Those 3 people are my heart, my life…they are my world. I really do LOVE being a stay at home mom and once both kids are in school, I will probably spend my days wishing I had these days back. I rant about them a lot, but I truly do enjoy my family.

Now, with that said, can everyone just calm the eff down for a minute? Please? Dayum!

Here is a little PSA:

Moms get over-stimulated, too!

All day long, the kids are yelling:

Mommy! Mommy! Mom..momma..moooommmmmmaaaaa! I’m hungry! I’m thirsty! Wipe me! I want chocolate milk! No, regular milk! I wanted JUUUIIICCCEEE! I said I needed to be wiped! Can I go outside? Can I come inside? Can I go pee? Can I sit down? Can I stand up? Can I spin in a circle? Can I breath air? Hey, mommy! Watch what I can do! OWWWWW! I did that thing you told me not to do and I hurt myself on the coffee table! WHY DID YOU PUT THE COFFEE TABLE THERE?! Little girls can jump off the couch and get HURT when you put coffee tables in the living room! FEEEEED MEEEEE!

Meanwhile, in the background, the tv is screaming:

Spongebob Squarepants, spongebob squarepants, spongebob squarepants, sponnnngebobbb squarepannnnnnts…

…and all I can do is lock myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes, sit in the empty tub, and rock back and forth while hugging my knees and loudly singing Livin’ On A Prayer. I pray that Hubby will hurry home to help out, but the second he walks through the door:

(((CHILDREN)), Hubby, [Television]

(((DADDDDDDDYYYYY!!!))) Hey! What have you been doing all day? (((I’m SOOO hungry!))) Where are my jeans? Can we eat? Did you lay anything out? [Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants..] (((*Samurai loudly sings made up song*))) Have you seen my shoes? Hey, will you come help me for a minute? Babe? Baby? (((Can I have a popsicle??))) Why do you look so stressed? I know, I’ll turn the TV up really loud– as though I have a legitimate hearing problem! That will make you feel better! (((Mom! Come in the bathroom..I pottied and it looks funny..))) About dinner..Why are your eyes burning holes into my skull? Oh, you want the TV louder? [It’s the best day EVVVEEERRRR..] (((She’s looking at ME!)))


My smidgen of remaining sanity… my livelihood… my ability to love–each relies heavily on two things:

My kids’ bedtime and Hubby’s nightly shower

Those 15-20 minutes are so refreshing. That’s all it takes to be reminded of all the reasons I’ve never actually run away. During that sacred time, I get to drink wine, I get to stuff my face with whatever junk I can find without anyone seeing the animal I really am, and I get to do it—in total frickin’ silence.


PRICELESS.

First World Problems of a SAHM

26 Feb

First World Problems Of A Stay At Home Mom

  • I woke up 2 hrs before the kids. I wasted quality sleep.
  • I’m out of caffeine.
  • The children expect to be fed at least 3 times a day.

  • I am running late for something, as usual.
  • WHERE IS YOUR OTHER SHOE?!
  • I can’t find the DVR remote. How am I going to do anything if I don’t have SpongeBob on demand to occupy the children?
  • The baby took off her diaper in her crib at nap time. She had pooped.
  • Laundry

  • I just poured the kids’ cereal, only to discover that I’m out of milk.
  • I have to go grocery shopping…with the children.
  • Another toy is clogging the toilet, yet someone pooped in it anyway.
  • I woke up later than the toddlers. They found my craft drawer.
  • Why must I listen to the kids fight over which one gets which color cup?!
  • The baby is poopy. DAMN IT! I’m out of diapers.
  • The parents in McDonald’s play area keep trying to talk to me about their kids.

  • I forgot to lay out dinner.
  • Hubby didn’t take out the trash. It’s full and the trash can is by the road.
  • Someone colored on my couch.
  • My corkscrew is missing.
  • There is nothing interesting to read on the interwebz.

  • I have a stomach virus.
  • The children have a stomach virus.
  • I’m out of wine.
  • The kids finally learned to open the doors on their own.
  • Baby gates are no longer effective.

(These are not necessarily all mine. I compiled the list from other SAHMs, as well.)

Tell me yours and I might add them to the list!

*Disclaimer: I am very well aware that I did not create the “First World Problems” meme. Not claiming to, either. There are a lot of FWP of SAHM posts out there. Just clarifying.

Another random thought: Sometimes, a little sexism is okay with me!

10 Aug


This is regarding me, and me alone. Whatever you want to do with your life, I support your right to do it regardless of whether it’s a stereotypical man-thing, or stereotypical woman-thing.

Just now, while on my way to pick up my daughter from school, I drove past some road construction workers. I thought, “What a miserable job! It is too damned hot for all that!” Then, there were the guys working on the power lines. Again, miserable job. I understand that, while men hold the majority of these jobs, women do these jobs as well! What I don’t understand is..why? Why would ANYONE want to work in a profession that requires subjecting oneself to extreme weather?? I know people don’t always us choose it, it’s necessary. I’m referring specifically to those that are wanting to ensure that they have the right to burst into flames while working on a power line. Right now, I’m sitting in the pick-up line, air conditioner on, trying to type this before I melt. People want to work hard, doing manual labor in this stuff?

You know what other stereotypical man things I don’t like doing? Taking out the trash. Killing bugs (I’ve blogged about these twice now, I really hate them!). I even try to push the “but driving is the MAN’s job” on to my husband sometimes. That never works..instead, the non-driver is the one that makes it to the liquor cabinet first. This is why women should always go first in things, too..like ordering at restaurants first. “I’ll have a margarita on the rocks..double. Oh, by the way, husband, you are driving home tonight, right?”

Anyway, back on track..plumbing–another male dominated field. I’d like to meet the woman that complains about losing out on that job to a man. I’d shake her and ask, “Woman! What is wrong with you?! Have you ever smelled SHIT?!” I can use a plunger when my children have had too much milk or tossed a toy in the toilet, but that’s MY toilet. Others’ toilets? Um, gross.


I dream of a day where washing dishes is “a MAN’s job!”

Another thing..I like being prettied up and dressing like a typical female. I’m not trying to be a man. Facial hair is going to be enough of a bitch when I get older, I’m sure–considering my black hair and all.

I guess what I’m saying is..I don’t fight for the right to stab my eyes out of my head or slam my fingers in the car door repeatedly. I don’t get how it even crosses one’s mind to fight for certain rights. The day I start fighting for my right to use a urinal..is the day you can punch me in the face and call me a douchebag. Sometimes, a little sexism is okay with me!

I don’t kiss his ass..

10 Aug

I’m writing this really late. Forgive typos, run-ons, or shit that just doesn’t make sense. I’ll clean it up tomorrow!

Today, I have decided to address some things regarding military wives. I don’t say too much about being a military wife..because I am my own person. I know, I know–my name refers to me being a housewife, so why not military wife? Because, overall, I mostly write about being a housewife. And that brings me to the first thing Id like to address!

**These may be true for many, but I doubt it’s true for most. I’m speaking for those of us that are quietly loving military men.**

  • Military wives sit at home on their asses all day.

Well, I do..sometimes. Most times these days, I am up and doing something from 6am until 11pm. Yeah, so..um.. you can F off if you think I sit on my ass all day, everyday. I could get a job if I wanted to, but being home with my children as long as possible is more important to me. Besides, I intend on starting school again in January. Plenty of non-mil wives stay at home with their children too. It isn’t exclusive to a specific group of women. Also, many women stay home because they move a lot. It is hard to move up very high on the totem pole when you move every few years.

  • We are all fat, lazy slobs.

Speak for yourself. I am within my healthy weight range, I have big and fake boobs, and I only go to Wal-Mart in sweat pants every other time I go. Yeah, suck on that. I haven’t even seen many fat wives around here. I’m sure there are plenty, but–at this base at least–there aren’t anymore than there are in other groups.

  • We also dress up to go to the commissary and judge those who don’t. We are representing our husbands out there!!

Wait.. what?!? I thought we were fat, lazy slobs? Now, I admit that I have seen plenty of these types out and about. They are typically rank wearers & I’ll get to those later..

  • We are popping out kids left and right.

I don’t know about the majority of the military couples, but we have 2 kids. I thought that was pretty much the norm? We did consider the benefits of Tricare when it came to our decision about more children. Tricare doesn’t just cover birth, it also covers VASECTOMIES..and female birth control. I am done, done. We have insurance.. I do NOT have a death wish. Even if another pregnancy wouldn’t kill me, I’d still be done. The cost of birth is not the only factor in the decision to have a child. All of the couples I know have a normal amount of children.

  • I want a trophy for being a military wife. After all, it is the toughest job EV-AR.

I mean, if you really want to give me one..but, I’d prefer a crown. You could actually just give me the cash. Really though, no, we do not all expect people to kiss our asses for being military wives. It is not the toughest job in the world. It isn’t a job. Sure, I support my husband in his work. Isn’t that what spouses do? Support each other? Do you get sad when your spouse is gone? I do! It isn’t because he is military, it is because he is my husband. He is also put in dangerous situations. However, I am not in a dangerous situation, not that kind anyway. He is the one who has it HARD. I have it.. sad. Also, not all of us get irritable when people complain about missing their spouses because they are working a little late. It isn’t a competition. I spent the majority of the first 2 years of my marriage away from my husband, and I still get sad when he comes home from work too late. Other people’s problems do not become petty to me.

  • Military wives kiss their husbands’ asses, because they have the second hardest job in the whole wide world!!

My husband is awesome. He goes to work everyday and bitches about it only at a reasonable level. He provides for his family because he loves us. Still, he has responsibilities at home, too. Being a member of the USAF doesn’t mean you are excluded from lifting a finger at home. I don’t kiss his ass… I’m not that freaky. Hubby washes his own uniform, he cooks sometimes, he even cleans up after himself on rare occasions. Bug needs killed? Hubby kills it. Trash day? Hubby takes it out. Nine times out of 10, I’m the one needing a massage. And I get that massage.

  • Our husbands’ ranks are how we define ourselves and others.

What?! No! I do not wear my husband’s rank. I didn’t earn it and, to the bitches who think you are special because your husband is a what-the-f-ever he is, you didn’t do anything to earn that rank either. Blowing him doesn’t count.

  • We all screw our husbands’ best friends during long deployments. All the good wives do. The friends are just being GOOD friends & helping us out, like our husbands asked.

Nah, not all of us. But, uh, thanks for that, Hollywood…and whores!

Some afterthoughts:

No, it isn’t hard to be married to a military man. It’s hard to be married to me. Really though, it’s marriage. It all takes work.

Sure, the lack of..ahem..”intimacy” during deployments, TDYs, and whatnot is a bummer, but it doesn’t ruin a marriage. I didn’t need to “get down to bidness” to fall in love & don’t need to in order to stay in love. The women who cheat on their deployed husbands and husbands who cheat on their deployed wives (or spouses that cheat while they are the ones deployed) are shitty people. They are the same people who would be sluttin’ it up outside the marriage with the pool boy or “working late” if they had/had spouses with civilian jobs. Deployments do not drive people to cheat. Whorie’ness does.

I’m not downplaying the role of the military spouse. We go through a lot of heartache and pain..and we sacrifice a lot. However, I guarantee that 99% of us make those sacrifices for love, not a trophy. Not all of us feel some sense of entitlement for dealing with long separations.

I do appreciate the gratitude others express, but no one has to thank me for loving my husband.

Why bother?!

4 Aug


I cleaned the living room spotless. I cleaned the kitchen..spotless. Now, I just stand around with that “the f*#k?!?!” look on my face. I actually cleaned the kitchen yesterday. Like, yesterday evening. Sometimes, I think I must be stupid. I can’t think of anything else I would fix over and over and over again, knowing it will be destroyed moments later.

My children have this strange quirk..they have to destroy everything in sight. A clean house just means they get to start all over again. My hubby has a bad habit of setting shit down wherever he is standing. I need freaking order!! Organization! I need things to have a place. Why do I even bother? I’d, obviously, be a much better housewife if I didn’t have to clean up after everyone.

(found on Views from the Couch)

You know, I love Angry Birds. I mean, who doesn’t? Someone should really make a game for me: Angry Housewives. You would throw things like vacuums and brooms at little cartoon men and children. Each time you peg one, your house gets cleaner. I’d play the shit out of that. I’d play the game rather than actually cleaning the house. Win-win for me! I hope it goes without saying that I’d never throw brooms or vacuums..well, I’d never actually throw vacuums at my children or husband. I’d never throw birds at pigs either.

Okay, enough random thoughts. I think my anger has subsided enough that the stupid has set back in & I’m considering cleaning again.

%d bloggers like this: