Tag Archives: health

Oddly Comfortable With Myself..

25 Apr

I have spent the last 11 years or so trying to lose weight or “fix” my body in one way or another. Every year, I’d look at pictures of myself from the year before and I’d wish I still looked like that. In 2010, I was wishing I looked like I had in 2009. In 2011, I was wishing I looked like I had in 2010. I’d spend so much time on my scale and wishing I looked different, that I never appreciated how I looked at that time. I was never happy with myself.

I currently weigh about 10-15 lbs more than I did last summer; however, I weigh about 15 lbs less than I did 6 months ago. I started Abilify at the end of last summer and gained 30 lbs from mid-July til the end of October (when I quit taking the Abilify). Last year, when I first reached this weight–on my way UP in weight–I cried. This time–as my weight dropped back down to this weight, I am happy. I am comfortable.

I finally feel perfectly happy in the clothes that I wear. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I don’t care. I am heavier than I have ever been naturally (meaning, not postpartum or due to medication), but I’m okay with that. My clothes fit fine, my husband thinks I look great (he’s an ass man, my weight gain works in his favor), and I don’t feel stressed. If my new medication makes me lose weight (common side effect), great. If I stay the same weight, great.

I still wear a bikini and don’t give a shit if some random person thinks I need to cover up. Too bad! I still wear shorts and dresses, and I have always hated my legs. It feels good to not hate them so much anymore.

One thing I do want to change, is my health. I eat crap food and should really start eating healthier. I’ll work on it. But, my focus is on getting healthy and gaining energy …maybe relieve myself of some of this constant brain fog. If I don’t lose an ounce, though, I won’t shed any tears.

I feel happier now and less stressed. My husband is happy with me and I’m happy with me, and that’s all that matters, right? Life is too short to stress about what everyone else thinks.

P.S.
I like Oreos.

P.S.S.
Abilify can suck it.

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Bottle of Wine: $19.99, Cheesecake: $8.49, Fifteen Minutes of Silence: PRICELESS

8 Mar

I love my family. I really, really do. Those 3 people are my heart, my life…they are my world. I really do LOVE being a stay at home mom and once both kids are in school, I will probably spend my days wishing I had these days back. I rant about them a lot, but I truly do enjoy my family.

Now, with that said, can everyone just calm the eff down for a minute? Please? Dayum!

Here is a little PSA:

Moms get over-stimulated, too!

All day long, the kids are yelling:

Mommy! Mommy! Mom..momma..moooommmmmmaaaaa! I’m hungry! I’m thirsty! Wipe me! I want chocolate milk! No, regular milk! I wanted JUUUIIICCCEEE! I said I needed to be wiped! Can I go outside? Can I come inside? Can I go pee? Can I sit down? Can I stand up? Can I spin in a circle? Can I breath air? Hey, mommy! Watch what I can do! OWWWWW! I did that thing you told me not to do and I hurt myself on the coffee table! WHY DID YOU PUT THE COFFEE TABLE THERE?! Little girls can jump off the couch and get HURT when you put coffee tables in the living room! FEEEEED MEEEEE!

Meanwhile, in the background, the tv is screaming:

Spongebob Squarepants, spongebob squarepants, spongebob squarepants, sponnnngebobbb squarepannnnnnts…

…and all I can do is lock myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes, sit in the empty tub, and rock back and forth while hugging my knees and loudly singing Livin’ On A Prayer. I pray that Hubby will hurry home to help out, but the second he walks through the door:

(((CHILDREN)), Hubby, [Television]

(((DADDDDDDDYYYYY!!!))) Hey! What have you been doing all day? (((I’m SOOO hungry!))) Where are my jeans? Can we eat? Did you lay anything out? [Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants..] (((*Samurai loudly sings made up song*))) Have you seen my shoes? Hey, will you come help me for a minute? Babe? Baby? (((Can I have a popsicle??))) Why do you look so stressed? I know, I’ll turn the TV up really loud– as though I have a legitimate hearing problem! That will make you feel better! (((Mom! Come in the bathroom..I pottied and it looks funny..))) About dinner..Why are your eyes burning holes into my skull? Oh, you want the TV louder? [It’s the best day EVVVEEERRRR..] (((She’s looking at ME!)))


My smidgen of remaining sanity… my livelihood… my ability to love–each relies heavily on two things:

My kids’ bedtime and Hubby’s nightly shower

Those 15-20 minutes are so refreshing. That’s all it takes to be reminded of all the reasons I’ve never actually run away. During that sacred time, I get to drink wine, I get to stuff my face with whatever junk I can find without anyone seeing the animal I really am, and I get to do it—in total frickin’ silence.


PRICELESS.

The Anxious 5 Year Old: Boo-Boos You Can’t Kiss

29 Feb

Forewarning: This post isn’t humorous in the slightest. I am hurt, sad, pissed off, yet–hopeful.

Some of you have messaged me on twitter or commented on here to check on Sugar and her anxiety, so I thought I’d give a quick update. She was diagnosed with anxiety, with possible OCD–but her psychiatrist doesn’t want to pin that on her yet. She started taking Zoloft a few weeks ago, but had a bad reaction to it (bouncing off the walls, hardly sleeping, destroying everything she came in contact with, and laughing in our faces if we tried to talk to her about it or give her consequences–oy!). Monday, she went back to the psychiatrist and was prescribed Prozac. I haven’t figured out what I’m going to do with it yet. Still researching, but may go ahead and give it a shot. Yesterday, she started therapy. She did really well. She talked to the therapist alone for a while and expressed sadness that her friend moved away, excitement about moving back to our home state, and said she loved BBQ chicken! ha! The therapist suggested using 1-2-3 Magic with her, so I ordered that last night. Disciplining her has been a challenge.. one I have not been capable of conquering (see Winning At Discipline!). I am at a loss, especially considering I am battling a bad case of anxiety, as well. I am on edge, worn out, worried, sad for my little girl, and just a mess most days, to be honest.

Yesterday, on the way home from the therapist, Sugar says, “Mommy, I have been praying to the Lord every night that my fears will go away, but they aren’t. Why isn’t the Lord listening?” I said, “He is. Just keep praying.” She wasn’t satisfied. “But I been praying a million and a million and a million of times and He isn’t making them go away. Why not? Can He not hear me?” I don’t even remember my response…I was just trying to reassure her while trying not to cry and thinking, “So have I..”. Honestly, I got angry. I was pissed. Why isn’t He listening? Are we not praying hard enough? Are we not worthy enough to have our prayers heard? Do we not attend church often enough? Is it because I swear too much or drink? Surely, God wouldn’t punish my child for my behaviors, but I don’t get it. I still have faith and I know I shouldn’t question God, but things just keep happening that I don’t understand. I’ve put every ounce of faith I have into praying that she will get better, and nothing is happening. I have believed whole-heartedly that she would be healed by His hands, and nothing is happening. So,again, why isn’t He listening?? She is 5 years old, for crying out loud. She doesn’t doesn’t deserve this. She deserves to be a carefree, innocent child. This is where those “Everything Happens For A Reason” bullshit responses come in. Give me a fucking break..no, actually, give me one good “reason” she should suffer. I’m going to keep praying, but please, don’t tell me that it’s happening for a reason..unless you can give me a good one.

My little Sugarbear is a beautiful, kind, gentle, and loving little girl who worries about EVERYTHING. She also does things she knows she shouldn’t do because, according to her, if she doesn’t, “her neck will hurt”. She tells me that her brain is crazy and she just needs to go to the hospital to get a new one. She cries about her brain. When she does things she isn’t supposed to, it’s obvious that she feels guilty. She cries that she doesn’t understand why she does things and that she doesn’t mean to, she just feels like she HAS to. Her brain tells her she has to do those things, her brain “is stupid”, “is broken”, “is crazy”…and nothing I say can assure her that her brain is just perfect.

I’m struggling with the fact that this isn’t a boo-boo I can kiss, put a band-aid on, give her a big hug, and make it all better. I struggle with the fact that, sometimes, I just get so frustrated that I freak out. That makes me feel tremendously guilty. When your daughter sneaks a tea bag out of the pantry, goes to “potty”, tears the bag open, pours the grounds into a hairspray lid, mixes them with water, then splashes it all over your sand-textured bathroom walls.. well, it is really hard to not freak out! Do you know how hard it is to clean ANYTHING off of sand-textured bathroom walls? I tell you what, that is one painting mistake I will not be making again! Anyway, back to the guilt.. yes, it is hard not to freak out, but the guilt remains. Even her psychiatrist has said that it’s all a part of her “problem” and something we will struggle with until she is medicated.

I don’t want to medicate my baby. I don’t. I flat out asked the psychiatrist if the meds could affect her producing those chemicals (the ones they help regulate) on her own later in life. His answer? “Possibly. We don’t REALLY know, yet. There are a lot of theories on how these medicines even work, so it would be hard to determine how they will affect the brain long-term.” Awesome. Fucking Awesome.

Prior to being prescribed the new medication, we had started gradually cutting casein and gluten out of our diets. Since we haven’t gone cold turkey, I can’t tell if they are really working yet. She has always reacted badly to red dyes in food, so maybe this will help. If only it were easier. The more I try to cut out, the more we crave it. The kids have been begging for mac & cheese for a while now. Hopefully, that will taper off soon and they will get used to the new eating habits. Hopefully, I will too.

I know I am all over the place, but that’s where my emotions are.. all over the place today.

Sorry for being a Debbie-Downer. I have bad days, too.

Married With ADHD: The Blame Game & Future Headline News

24 Feb

The Blame Game is super popular around here. Having been diagnosed with a pretty severe case of ADHD and being married to a man who has also been diagnosed, I assume it’s fairly normal.

-Where are my shoes?
-Last time I was wearing them…
-If you don’t help me find them, I’m going to be late!

-Have you seen my keys?
-No, have you seen mine?

-Where did we park?

-Why didn’t you remind me to turn?! Now, we’ve missed our exit and can’t turn around for 2 miles!
-I forgot where we were going! Besides, you didn’t remind me to remind you!

-Can you remind me that I have an appointment tomorrow?
-Sure, if I remember.

-I forgot about my appointment today and can’t be seen again for another two months! Why didn’t you remind me?!
-I forgot, too! It’s not my responsibility to keep up with your appointments!

-Tomorrow night, we cannot get sidetracked and wait until 12 AM to go to bed!

-Hey, you ready for bed?
(hyper-focusing) -Yeah…5 more minutes! I’ve just got to finish this one thing…
-Seriously? It’s 10 PM!
(2 hrs later) -Okay, I’m done. You ready?
-Give me just a minute, I’m reading something..

-I’m going to make a grocery list so we won’t forget what we need..

-Where is the grocery list?
-Fuck! I forgot it!

-When do I get my ring?
-What ring?
-The ring you said you were having set with the emerald you brought home for me from your last deployment…remember? You said you were going to have it set for me almost 2 months ago.
-Oh, umm..you didn’t remind me! You were supposed to remind to do the sweet things I claimed I was going to do for you all on my own!

On top of the forgetfulness and hyper-focusing, organization is a total bust. My husband also has a slight hoarding problem. If it’s free or someone is giving it away for “REALLY CHEAP!”, he brings it home. It doesn’t matter if we need it. Okay, I might have a problem, too. Maybe… but, ANYWAY! Every single one of our closets are packed full. I warn people that they shouldn’t open them, or do so at their own risk. Nine out of ten drawers are junk drawers. At one time, we had an entire room of “Shit that I have no clue where it goes..”. Now, that shit is spread around, randomly. I am just waiting for the day that headline news reads:

    Undomesticated Housewife & Hubby Found Buried Alive Beneath Their Own Clutter

Now, here we are..getting ready to move, and I’m totally lost. I’ll think somewhere like a bathroom is a good place to start packing,  but I quickly get overwhelmed and stop. Kitchen? Maybe.. But what first? Pans? Plates? Medicine cabinet? Sure, lets venture into the medicine cabinet and pack away the non-essentials.

Oh, look, here are Sugar’s crafts from Christmas! I should do something with these…they shouldn’t be packed with the medications..

Realizing I’m off track, I move to the pantry.

Hey! There’s the Tupperware I have been looking for..and brownie mix. Mmmmm, brownies. I should make some…

Screw it. I quit.

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