Love Always, Your Concerned Wife

Last night, Undermedicated Housewife (my crazy side) came out during an argument. It started out as a discussion, but quickly escalated. Discussion to Argument Progression went something like this:

Political Story –> Politics In General –> Rick Sanctimoron –> Birth Control –> Vasectomies –> Undermedicated Housewife

Now, let me give you some back-story (in as few words as possible):

About 5 years and 3.5ish months ago, I was in a hospital bed thinking I was about to die. I was pregnant with my daughter and suffering from severe pre-eclampsia. I was being induced at 34 weeks because my blood pressure was through the roof. I can’t remember exact numbers, but on a scale of Kate Moss to Chris Farley, I was pretty close to a John Candy. Between the magnesium, blood pressure induced migraine, pitocin, and failed epidural…I was in the most severe pain of my life, and that is considering that I have had 2 spinal surgeries, 3 abdominal surgeries, 3 eye surgeries, and a couple of other surgeries. Seriously, I had never felt such pain…until it happened again.

Pregnancy number 2 was a disaster. My chances of having another run-in with pre-e were fairly low, but–you know–I am always one to beat the odds! Around 25-26 weeks (my due date was questionable), I woke up so swollen that I fell down when the swelling prevented my feet from bending enough to stand flat. Four days later, I’m in the hospital about to go back for my urgent cesarean. I had a huge team of doctors at the foot of my bed explaining the risks of the surgery, the risks to my unborn son, and the risks of ever getting pregnant again. After being told that my son only had a 50/50 chance of survival and, if he survived, he would have a 50/50 chance of having CP..my brain went fuzzy. I do, however, remember hearing them tell me that, because of the fact that I had gotten pre-e again–more severe and at an earlier gestation, another pregnancy had a high risk of being even worse..potentially fatal for me and the unborn. They all nodded in agreement at the suggestion of permanent birth control. Because of my blood pressure, staying in longer than necessary in order to tie my tubes was another risk. Hubby agreed to getting a vasectomy, instead.

About 6 months later, we are discussing the vasectomy and Hubby starts backing out. When researching the risks of a vasectomy compared to the risks of tubal ligation, he managed to find a website dedicated to reasons why men should NEVER have a vasectomy. I’m fairly sure he found it on Google search pg 1,247, because everything I found on the first several pages stated that the vasectomy was far, far easier and less risky. After my family, his family, and I continued to urge him to do it, he was finally convinced.

The whole procedure lasted about 10 minutes. I was so grateful that I had a husband who was willing to give up 10 minutes of his life, take on a minimal risk, and live with a tiny scar on the underside of his scrotum..just to prevent any chance of me getting pregnant and, you know, dying.

Now, lets review:

• Pregnancy and childbirth almost killed me–twice
• The pre-e also nearly caused the death of our son
• The pain was the worst I have ever felt, worse than the broken back and hole ripped in my stomach–which I have also experienced
• I had one child vaginally with no help from an epidural
• I had one child via major abdominal surgery
• Future pregnancy will likely kill the unborn and, possibly, me
• Hubby had an easy, low risk procedure as a method of birth control for us

So, last night, we get on the subject of birth control and vasectomies. Hubby suddenly declares that no man should ever have a vasectomy. Um, WHAT? He goes on to explain that, when we do that thing that used to lead to babies, it HURTS. Bad. This is really confusing news to me. Why does he always WANT to inflict pain on himself, then? Anyway, because of this pain he so often feels, if he could go back, he would have never gotten it done. In comes the outraged Undermedicated Housewife with a response:

You know what else hurts, asshole?!?! DYING!!

I really wasn’t fair, to be honest. I have no idea what dying actually feels like. He suffers from real pain and I should have been more considerate.

To express my regret for acting so psycho over his innocent statement, I wrote him a letter:

Dear Hubby,

I am sorry I freaked out on you last night. You expressed that certain activities caused you pain and I was cold about it. I was selfishly only thinking of myself, the trauma pregnancy causes, and that pesky death risk. Judging by the level of pain you said you feel and the frequency of your requests to inflict such pain upon yourself, you must really love me. Clearly, you are only encouraging these activities for my benefit. That makes me feel really awful. Since you made such a huge sacrifice for me, I am going to do the same for you. I will make it my priority to ENSURE that you never feel that pain again. I just can’t handle having that guilt on my conscious…or vagina.

Love Always,
Your Concerned Wife