Archive | ecards RSS feed for this section

Household Cleaning and Organizing Done Right

14 Dec

People ask me all the time,

“L, what are your best house cleaning tips?”

Just kidding. No one asks me that. Ever. But I have the best kept house cleaning/organizing secrets ever. I’m going to share them with you today!

First, ask yourself, “Who makes the most messes around here? Husband or kids?” There are very different guidelines for each.

image

If you answered “kids”:

image

This one is more difficult than dealing with a hoarding, messy husband, but there are more options.

*You can try chore charts to teach responsibility. Have your kids put each toy or activity away before they are allowed to get out something else, clear their own plates, make their own beds..shit like that.

image

*Allowances work wonders. Reward the good behavior.

*Confine them to one small area of the house, preferably near a bathroom. Less area to clean & you have the rest of the house to yourself.

image

*Last, if all other options fail, check out your state’s Safe Haven Law. I think there are usually age limits, but I’m pretty sure those are just a suggestion. You will need to first convince your children that your full name is Mommy McMommerson. Tell them you are going to visit the firetrucks! It will be fun!

If you answered “husband”:

image

This one is so easy! I like to call it The D.I.V.O.R.C.E Method.

*D is for, well, Divorce.
*I is for dIvorce.
*V is for diVorce.
*O is for divOrce.
*R is for divoRce.
*C is for divorCe.
*E is for divorcE.

I don’t know why this isn’t more widely known as an effective method. It makes such a HUGE difference. You know that saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”? Likewise, you can’t teach an old bastard to stop being a fucking pig.

image

I was an amazing housewife, truth be told. I clean a little, cook a little, and copulate a lot. I will not, however, be your mama. Put your dirty laundry in the laundry basket. Put your dirty dishes in the sink. Remember that thing you empty once a week, only because I killed you twice with my death glare when it overflowed? It’s called a trashcan. Put your damn trash in it.

Booooooom! Clean house.

*Disclaimer: Calm your tits. I do not actually advocate dropping your kids off at the fire station unless it’s necessary for their safety. The rest of this post is spot on. Trust me.

First World Problems of a SAHM

26 Feb

First World Problems Of A Stay At Home Mom

  • I woke up 2 hrs before the kids. I wasted quality sleep.
  • I’m out of caffeine.
  • The children expect to be fed at least 3 times a day.

  • I am running late for something, as usual.
  • WHERE IS YOUR OTHER SHOE?!
  • I can’t find the DVR remote. How am I going to do anything if I don’t have SpongeBob on demand to occupy the children?
  • The baby took off her diaper in her crib at nap time. She had pooped.
  • Laundry

  • I just poured the kids’ cereal, only to discover that I’m out of milk.
  • I have to go grocery shopping…with the children.
  • Another toy is clogging the toilet, yet someone pooped in it anyway.
  • I woke up later than the toddlers. They found my craft drawer.
  • Why must I listen to the kids fight over which one gets which color cup?!
  • The baby is poopy. DAMN IT! I’m out of diapers.
  • The parents in McDonald’s play area keep trying to talk to me about their kids.

  • I forgot to lay out dinner.
  • Hubby didn’t take out the trash. It’s full and the trash can is by the road.
  • Someone colored on my couch.
  • My corkscrew is missing.
  • There is nothing interesting to read on the interwebz.

  • I have a stomach virus.
  • The children have a stomach virus.
  • I’m out of wine.
  • The kids finally learned to open the doors on their own.
  • Baby gates are no longer effective.

(These are not necessarily all mine. I compiled the list from other SAHMs, as well.)

Tell me yours and I might add them to the list!

*Disclaimer: I am very well aware that I did not create the “First World Problems” meme. Not claiming to, either. There are a lot of FWP of SAHM posts out there. Just clarifying.

10 Reasons I Love My Interwebz Friends

21 Jul

I was inspired to write this about 2 weeks ago, but wanted to wait until I was totally sure that no one was watching me from outside one of my windows. I think the coast is clear, so here goes..oh, and a little help from someecards.

10 Reasons I Love My Interwebz Friends

1.) Interwebz friends aren’t clingy. They can’t be! You just use the “go offline” option on whatever messenger, message board, or whatever they are using to contact you.

2.) They don’t force get togethers on you by making it awkward to say no. They usually live too far away.

3.) They don’t declare that you are their BFF the day you meet them & immediately start calling and texting non-stop.

4.) When you find out interwebz friends are crazy, you don’t have to figure out how to cut them out of your life without worrying about running into them when out. X marks the spot, click it.

5.) They don’t con you into buying them things. You can pretend you didn’t see that email.

6.) They don’t ask you to buy them things using your CREDIT CARD.

7.) They don’t ask you for your medications. That would be insane. Refer back to number 4.

8.) Interwebz friends don’t call YOU after getting caught up in a sticky situation, asking for help and requesting you keep your mouth shut about it, even to your own husband. (Previously, too much info was posted)

9.) They don’t just drop by your house if you don’t answer your phone.

10.) If an interwebz friend DOES, in fact, do any of these things…again, you can use that little X or just completely turn off your monitor. The end!

%d bloggers like this: