Oddly Comfortable With Myself..

25 Apr

I have spent the last 11 years or so trying to lose weight or “fix” my body in one way or another. Every year, I’d look at pictures of myself from the year before and I’d wish I still looked like that. In 2010, I was wishing I looked like I had in 2009. In 2011, I was wishing I looked like I had in 2010. I’d spend so much time on my scale and wishing I looked different, that I never appreciated how I looked at that time. I was never happy with myself.

I currently weigh about 10-15 lbs more than I did last summer; however, I weigh about 15 lbs less than I did 6 months ago. I started Abilify at the end of last summer and gained 30 lbs from mid-July til the end of October (when I quit taking the Abilify). Last year, when I first reached this weight–on my way UP in weight–I cried. This time–as my weight dropped back down to this weight, I am happy. I am comfortable.

I finally feel perfectly happy in the clothes that I wear. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I don’t care. I am heavier than I have ever been naturally (meaning, not postpartum or due to medication), but I’m okay with that. My clothes fit fine, my husband thinks I look great (he’s an ass man, my weight gain works in his favor), and I don’t feel stressed. If my new medication makes me lose weight (common side effect), great. If I stay the same weight, great.

I still wear a bikini and don’t give a shit if some random person thinks I need to cover up. Too bad! I still wear shorts and dresses, and I have always hated my legs. It feels good to not hate them so much anymore.

One thing I do want to change, is my health. I eat crap food and should really start eating healthier. I’ll work on it. But, my focus is on getting healthy and gaining energy …maybe relieve myself of some of this constant brain fog. If I don’t lose an ounce, though, I won’t shed any tears.

I feel happier now and less stressed. My husband is happy with me and I’m happy with me, and that’s all that matters, right? Life is too short to stress about what everyone else thinks.

I like Oreos.

Abilify can suck it.


6 Responses to “Oddly Comfortable With Myself..”

  1. LinLori April 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    I needed to read this tonight. I had similar issues in the past – caused by Prednisone. That was the hardest weight to lose. I was so upset. But now? Now I’m content. I was getting a little antsy earlier, but now? Not so much. Thank you for sharing!

  2. LinLori April 25, 2012 at 9:40 pm #

    Love this – so much. I’ve had weight issues caused by Prednisone and ugh. It’s the worst. Good luck in eating healthier and thank you for sharing this. I needed to read this tonight!

  3. housewifedownunder April 25, 2012 at 10:09 pm #

    A much older female friend once told me, during a period where I had drastic, unexplained weight gain, that, as women, are bodies will change throughout our lives, sometimes in ways we like and other times in ways we hate and that the best thing to do about it is just learn to be happy in our own skins. Gradually, I have come to accept that she may be right. As long as you are otherwise fit and healthy, it’s silly to obsess about weight. It’s great that you have been able to come to terms with your own body and feel good about yourself no matter what. 🙂

  4. iwilltransform April 25, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

    Ahhh isn’t that the best feeling? Just being comfortable? I have been feeling that way for the last 3 years or so, and even though I have lost some weight these have been my fattest years ever. One day after making love one day and lounging naked, my long term boyfriend remarked how fat he is now. I looked him over and said that it barely shows and he IS way skinnier than I am. “Yeah but you are so comfortable with your body” he said. Hmm, I didn’t realize other people knew. It radiated out of me, haha. Funny, because I have been uncomfortable with my weight since being 12 years old. Just bask in that glory . It is so uncommon to feel tha way, especially among women.

  5. Leanne Moffat April 25, 2012 at 10:22 pm #

    Just found you and so glad I did! I agree totally! Weight worry is so stupid. I’ve put on about 20 lbs due to health issues. I worried for about a year, but that scale won’t move. Summer is coming, diet doesn’t work. Blah. Fuck it! I rock as I am! So do you!

  6. Heather Cardenas April 25, 2012 at 11:43 pm #

    I love everything about this post- its about time that someone talks about being happy with their body, instead of wanting to change it. I think so many of us jump on the “I need to loose weight” bandwagon because we hear about it CONSTANTLY. Aiming to be healthy with our habits is so much more realistic & well, healthy;) Thanks so much for sharing!

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